In death may you reveal your true-self
by bottledupdreams
Summary: In death we leave behind our truest self and reveal our greatest strength.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: do not own the 100 but will be forever grateful for it restoring my faith that they're still credible writers out there with a truly great show.

_In death we leave behind our truest self and reveal our greatest strength._

It had been a few days since the massacre of the mountain men, a few days of replaying her choices over and over; had she chosen differently would the burden she carries still be the same?

Clarke closes her eyes, she squeezes them tighter hoping that would make the faces fade; it doesn't- they grow even more vivid. This burden was supposed to be hers to bear, she was meant to be strong enough to shoulder it. Yet as Clarke feels the cold steel upon her temple, her arm heavy from the weight of the metal and the choice she is making, she feels anything but strong; maybe it will be easier to no longer feel at all...

Clarke keeps her eyes closed, she takes a shaky breath as she squeezes the trigger; images of her family, her mother and father are forefront in her mind, followed closely by her friends; Raven, Octavia, Bellamy, Jasper and Monty, each with a smile on their face. The guilt she feels grows ever more with each passing face, then she sees Finn and it makes her want to scream, she doesn't. Until Lexa - A face Clarke did not want to see, yet moments from their time together replay over and over; their first meeting, Clarke was instantly enamoured by the fearless leader before her. Their encounter with the giant pauna and the moment their bond became stronger. Clarke had saved Lexa's life, what good that did her...

Clarke has now become a person she no longer recognises because Lexa couldn't stay true to her word. That defining moment- _May we meet again_. How cold Lexa must be to face Clarke and say those words, for surely death was upon her without the help of the trikru.

It's not the image of the dead that finally makes her scream, not the faces of the children but the image of Lexa, of her walking away, because screw her for still making her heart flutter even after such a betrayal.

There was no one around to hear the scream, Clarke released all the pain she felt in that one exhale; if it were to be her last - it was damn well going to be something.

"Heda, Heda, Heda!" One of her warriors comes bursting through the tent. "Speak. What causes such worry?" Lexa asks of her warrior.

"We bring word of the Skaikru." At this Lexa straightens; she had sent scouts to observe the sky people and assess if they were to be a threat or not.

"What of them?" What about Clarke? Lexa wishes to ask, yet the question remains unspoken.

"The Skaikru are safe, Clarke led them home. She left no survivors behind." At this Lexa's mask slips. "None, are you sure?" Lexa couldn't believe it, she knew Clarke was capable of many things but she was adamant the innocent were to be unharmed. "Even the children. Heda no one survived except Skaikru. They walked back to their camp, some were injured. They had been tortured. We heard that the mountain men would have killed them all had it not been for Clarke." The warrior speaks with admiration of the sky princess, yet something unsettling lies within his gaze.

"What of Clarke?" The question can remain quiet no longer as a pounding began inside her chest.

"That is why I came. I found her. You said only to watch. To stay out of sight but I couldn't." The warrior stutters and gulps. Lexa stands furious and in lightning speed has her blade at her warrior's throat. "Speak, or lose your tongue!" The blade at the throat bobs up and down cutting into the warrior's skin as he gulps.

His eyes speak the words he cannot voice. "No." Lexa feels her world crumble and her heart shatters into even smaller pieces, the pieces Clarke had resurfaced obliterated. It couldn't be so. Lexa's hand falls limp by her side, she stares numbly ahead.

"I found her in the forest. A gun in her hand." The warrior speaks with sympathy; he knew how the Commander felt about the sky princess so he chose his words carefully.

Wetness falls from her eyes, a feeling foreign to her. It is this action that makes the warrior before her fall to his knees; for he feared the wrath of his Heda in this aftermath. "She lives. Clarke she live Heda. I hit her from behind. She sleeps here." At this Lexa's eyes fill with several emotions; joy, fear, anger. Anger at this man for making her believe Clarke to be dead, even for a second, but that had been her intention hadn't it, which fills Lexa with great sadness.

"Take me to her!" Lexa demands. The warrior retreats hastily; he knew not to be slow in this reveal. The warrior quickly leads Lexa to a small tent near the camp line. Lexa ignores the looks and whispers as she races towards where Clarke lay.

Lexa had a chance, she only wished it was under better circumstances, but she wasn't going to make the hard choice this time; this time she would let love in.

Lexa hesitates a moment when the warrior comes to a stop, he holds the flap of the tent open. "I accept any punishment you wish for disobeying an order, but I could not wish harm on the sky princess."

Under different circumstances Lexa would cut the man down where he stood, but he had saved Clarke and no code could hold true when it came to that.

"Who knows that she is here? Who saw?" Lexa asks she'd hate for people to know of Clarke's moment of weakness.

The warrior shakes his head. "No one. I was alone. I carried her here without any seeing. No one will know."

"You are free to go." Lexa says- they are the only words the warrior needs, all the thanks needed could be seen upon the commander's face; the relief in her eyes, the hesitant smile and the way her hand slightly shakes as she moves the tarp back to enter the tent.

Lexa inhales slowly calming her breathing, trying to get her emotions in check. Yet as she steps inside the tent and her eyes land upon Clarke, with a sharp exhale her facade crumbles and Lexa falls to her knees beside a still and pale Clarke. Her hand reaches for Clarke's idle one, gripping Clark's wrist and only once she feels the gentle thump of blood pumping within her wrist does Lexa truly believe; Clarke is okay.

It is in that moment of utter relief that Lexa realises; love is strength not weakness and even if Clarke refused, she would spend the rest of her living days proving that. For Clarke was the greatest strength the commander knew; she wasn't going to hide from it anymore, wasn't going to run from it but embrace it.

"Ste yuj, ai hod." _Be strong, my love._


	2. Chapter 2

She thought she knew all the lines and scars that adorned Clarke's face; when Clarke wasn't aware she'd find herself staring, trying to memorize the face of the woman that had breached her defences. Yet now with Clarke so still and so close, she's discovering even more. A gentle hand reaches out; Lexa bites her bottom lip hoping Clarke doesn't wake, she stays still and Lexa releases a shaky breath, relieved.

Lexa caresses the right side of Clarke's face, flashes of the lead up to their kiss and the moment soon after replay over in her head. How she wanted to feel those lips again, but she was patient, now definitely wasn't the time and more than anything, when they next kissed Clarke was going to be a very willing participant.

After tracing over her eyebrows and cheekbones, Lexa places her hand in her lap; she would discover the rest when Clarke was awake and if she permitted it. For there was a great chance that she would walk away and never look back; so if stolen moments was all she got she'd take them and treasure them for the rest of her days.

"Why Clarke? Why would you do something so... weak? I thought you were the strong one, it was I whose heart wasn't worthy of more." Lexa voices her questions even though she'd get no reply.

"I'd crossed a line." A voice whispers below her and Lexa looks down to see Clarke awake, tiered eyes staring back at her, how long had she'd been awake? "There are no lines in battle Clarke, for we do what we must to survive." Lexa replies.

"There has to be, or what's the point. We kill for fun, is that's what's next?" Clarke asks; if there was anyone who could answer these questions it was Lexa. Clarke didn't know how she'd got here but those questions could wait till later.

"There is no fun in death Clarke, no matter how many times I take a life I still feel as though it's my first. I hope that feeling never goes away." Lexa takes a beat "We are not defined by our losses but the triumphs of the choices we make in their aftermath." Lexa adds and helps Clarke to sit once she sees her move; she contains her smile when Clarke doesn't push her away.

Clarke feels the back of her head and winces, "Let me see Clarke." In all her haste to see that Clarke was safe Lexa actually hadn't checked Clarke's injury over.

"It's fine." Clarke mumbles swatting Lexa's hand away. "It's not Clarke; you were hit on the head. Let me look, please." Clarke wasn't going to let her; allowing her to stoke her face while she pretended to sleep was one thing, but having her so close when she was awake would allow for her true emotions to surface. She wasn't ready for that, for Lexa to know she still cared after everything that had happened.

Yet hearing Lexa say please, seeing the emotion in her eyes as she whispered the word; a word she has probably only said a handful of times if that, Clarke could only nod and tilt her head allowing Lexa the chance to check her injury over.

"There's just some swelling, no cut thankfully. Apart from the headache you should be fine." Clarke offers a small smile of thanks.

"I take it one of your men hit me, seen as I'm here." Clarke speaks the question she should have asked the moment she came to, except when she awoke she felt a gentle hand on her face, knew immediately whose hand it was; the hand that only the day previous was there, Lexa.

She should have bolted but her curiosity got the best of her, Lexa's face after all was the last one she'd pictured before… Clarke's eyes widen in realisation and Lexa looks down, her eyes betraying her. Which only made Clarke even more aware; she knew!

"Lexa…" Clarke doesn't know how to explain. "You don't need to tell me why Clarke, I understand more than you know." Lexa speaks saving Clarke from explaining, but she needed to explain, she needed Lexa to understand.

"But there were no bullets." They are the only words Clarke can say, she leaves them hanging in the air, allowing Lexa time to take in what that could mean before continuing on.

"I just, I needed a release from all the pain and I knew of no other way. I wanted to imagine, imagine all pain away with one click; for one moment I wanted it gone, but not forever." _Not forever._ Lexa understood, she'd been where Clarke was; when the pain felt like it would swallow you whole, like you were walking through fire every day, all the time, just waiting for it to rain and it never did -till her. Lexa swallows thickly, the truth only just hitting her.

Clarke senses something had hit close to home; that Lexa had acknowledged something she wasn't aware off before, for she reaches her hand out and takes Lexa's hand into her own, offering comfort and taking solace in the fact that someone else understood- maybe she didn't have to carry the burden alone?

"I'm sorry for the choices you had to make. That some of your people had to die, but I had a duty to my people, I had a chance to save them all and I took it. You would've done the same." Lexa whispers not letting go off Clarke's hand, Clarke frowns though, until it hits her… she did.

Clarke feels Lexa give her hand a squeeze and knows that Lexa is staring at her so Clarke looks up and tries to convey all that she feels in that one look; anger, sadness, guilt, betrayal and even if she tried to hide it, love.

"You make apologies for things like that will make it all better." Lexa is about to retort but Clarke carries on, "You left me no choice, I too used my head. I killed them all, even the innocent, the kids… There was no other way, no more time; Cage had my mom, he was going to kill her, kill my friends, _my people_…So I pulled the lever, let the air in. Isn't it ironic that a few days ago I got a man killed for even suggesting that option?"

Lexa doesn't know how to respond, she knew already of the actions at the mountain, but hearing Clarke speak about her choices in such a robotic way, isn't what she imagined, she knew Clarke had the potential to be a great Heda but she didn't think Clarke would lose her heart, had her betrayal cost her this?

"Your people, you saved them all, but you left?" It's all Lexa can ask and Clarke only just hears it as Lexa says it so quietly, probably scared of the answer.

"Yes. I left them back at camp Jaha. I couldn't stay, couldn't take part in the celebrations, the questions, the looks of pity and pride…Much like how you're looking at me now." Clarke pulls her hand from Lexa's and stands she wipes at her face and clears her throat; she looks around the room for the exit. Lexa stands though and blocks her way, her features schooled for now.

"I never wanted this for you. Not everyone can live by the rules of my people; our ways may have looked harsh before, but maybe now you see, we're not so different. Maybe there's still hope for us?" The question lies heavy between them neither having the courage to answer, for once they did there was no going back for either of them.


	3. Chapter 3

"I wish I could answer that…" Clarke wishes to say more but a sudden dizziness overcomes her, she sways unsteadily. Lexa is by her side in an instant and guides her to the cot once more. "Concussion... great." Clarke rolls her eyes, that actually makes her feel worse- she'd kick herself if she could, why did she have to be so careless leaving herself open to attack. Now she is here, looking weak in front of Lexa.

"You need rest. Sleep. We can talk more when you are well." Lexa sits beside Clarke and Clarke wants to argue but suddenly feels tiered, she shakes her head as if that could rid her of the tiredness. "No sleep. Talk to me. Sleeping is bad after a head injury; it's obviously worse than you thought, good thing you're not a doctor." Clarke adds somewhat jokily and takes a deep breath.

"I don't know what to say?" Lexa says honestly, as she struggled to find the words to explain to Clarke; to make her understand how she felt.

"Was it easy, for you to use your head? To just walk away? Because I, I'm still struggling." Clarke doesn't beat around the bush; if they had to talk she wasn't going to talk idly.

"Is that what you think? That it was easy for me?" Lexa asks hurt and pissed. Clarke can see as the fire in Lexa's eyes, it sends a shiver down her arms. Clarke sighs and wraps her arms around herself and sits up ignoring Lexa's request that she should lie down. "I'll be fine." Clarke adds.

"I don't know; you're not very forthcoming with your emotions." Clarke starts bluntly; she raises an eyebrow at Lexa questioning but Lexa doesn't reply, doesn't give any indication that she had heard her so Clarke continues. "I get why you did it, I do, I made the same choice, and you were right when you said we're not that different; our people, the choices we've made to survive are all based on the same principle-survival of our own above all else."

"But surely there is more to life than just surviving, surely we deserve more?" Lexa speaks Clarke's own words to her; the words prompt something in her.

"Maybe we don't." Clarke wasn't the same person she was when she had spoken those words. "Maybe all there is, is fight after fight…we're all just animals waiting to die or to kill those weaker than us." Clarke looks away and it's this that urges Lexa to open up. "I can't believe that. You can't believe that." Clarke looks up and sees a serious Lexa. "You're belief in others, in your people and the promise of more is what made me believe in you, it's what built our truce."

"The truce you ended when you walked away...My people won't understand." Clarke interrupts angrily and Lexa rolls her eyes exasperated and mutters some words in trigedasleng which Clarke is sure are curse words aimed at her.

"You never answered my question." At this Lexa stops her cursing and looks at Clarke with fear and Clarke knows the answer without Lexa speaking it, but she needs to hear her say it. "Was it easy for you, to leave me…My people to die?" Clarke watches as Lexa looks to the entrance of the tent, the fear begging Lexa to leave to not answer to the question, to not be weak. Clarke sits up straighter and winces at the pain in her head but forces herself to pay attention.

"Your people yes," Lexa says this with her eyes trained to the flap of the tent. "But you," Lexa turns around, her eyes pleading with Clarke, but Clarke is adamant, she needs to hear the words. "No, leaving you was anything but easy." Clarke is shocked to see a single tear fall down Lexa's face as she says the words she wished were true.  
Lexa turns to exit, not saying any more; she'd shown Clarke plenty, more than anyone had seen since Costia. For Lexa had shown Clarke her true emotions; that she felt the pain of her betrayal, of all the lives she had took, she felt everything and it wasn't easy, it bloody hurt.

"Lexa wait!" Clarke quickly stands and races to stop Lexa but as she steps away from the cot bed spots cloud her eyes and her body feels weaker. "Crap." Clarke says with fear; it's this that stops Lexa, the fear she hears in Clarke's voice. Clarke's legs buckle under her; luckily Lexa is quick and catches her. Just before she blacks out Clarke sees the fear in Lexa's eye's too.

"Maybe there is hope for us." Clarke wishes to say but can't speak…shit this isn't good! Clarke thinks just before the darkness takes a hold; Lexa's pleas of her name and the shaking of her limp body unknown to her.

"Sis au! Sis au!" Lexa shouts, knowing there was someone nearby and not caring in this moment who it was that came in, as long as that someone got the help she needed. Clarke had to be okay.

"Heda, heda!" The warrior from before comes rushing in and pales as soon as he sees Clarke in the Commanders arms. Her eyes hold his and the fire in hers causes him to gulp.

"Hon op Naikou. Nau!" The fire burns into the warriors eyes as he turns racing out the tent to find Niko the warning clear… If she dies, you die. The warrior prays to the God's above and to the souls around him; let her live, please let her live. For he feared not death but the wrath the commander would reign on the world is she was to lose another she loved.


	4. Chapter 4

"Heda." Niko is now crouched before the commander his hand reaching for Clarke. Lexa wasn't even aware that he had entered. He gives her a more pressing look and Lexa removes her hold and sits back allowing Niko to do his work.

Niko routinely lines a leather bag open on the floor and pulls out various items; he mixes two vials together and swirls them gently, a small mist rises. Niko then places this vile under the nose of Clarke, after what seems like a lifetime for Lexa Clarke starts to move.

Niko holds Clarke down gently then sets about making another remedy; a paste he mixes in a small bowl, he smears the thick green paste across Clarke's forehead then sits back.

"She must wake by herself, give her some time. I will be close by if you need me send your guard." Niko says once he had collected his things, his face as ever a neutral mask .Yet as he nears Lexa who is kneeling besides Clarke, he rests a hand on her shoulder. "I have found that a person who has something to fight for wakes sooner." With a gentle squeeze of encouragement that is all Niko says before leaving.

It was all Lexa needed to hear; Lexa reaches forward grasping Clarke's hands in her own. "Klok... Osir gonplei ste nou Odon. Ai laik nowe na nou gonplei gon yu." Lexa pleads with Clarke to fight, they had too much left unsaid, too many things they hadn't had the chance to do, to see, to feel. Lexa needed Clarke to wake.

Hours fade by without Lexa realising, her body doesn't tire but the rumbling in her stomach tells her she has missed several meals. With a shaky breath Lexa withdraws her hands from Clarke's and sets about gathering some fruit that was in the tent. Lexa had to remain strong for Clarke; which meant eating and drinking even if it kept her from Clarke's side, because when the time came and Clarke awoke Lexa needed to have the strength to help carry her.

It is that strength she clung to as the sunset in the sky without Clarke waking and Lexa still knelt beside Clarke hoping to see her eyes again.

"Heda!" Lexa sighs hearing Indra bursts through the tent, she turns her head to meet angry and disappointed eyes. "I had to cut a man to find where you were, why do you hide Heda?" Lexa leans back showing the person whose hand she refused to let go off. If she had any fight in her at the moment she would set Indra in her place for bursting in on her, if she wanted space she could; Lexa didn't answer to Indra, she didn't need to know her every movement.

Indra sees the sky princess lying on the simple cot bed beside the commander, she notices the commander clutching the sky princesses hand. "Sky girl? She shouldn't be here commander, she's why I came looking for you." Lexa keeps her emotions passive, but her curiosity is piqued, Indra always had a flare for the dramatics especially when it came to the sky people, no doubt this was the same.

"We got word back from the scouts, the mountain men are no more. Skygirl killed them all." Indra looks warily at Clarke as though she may slay her down where she stood. Indra didn't spook easily but Lexa noticed a small amount of fear in her eyes and this concerned her, her Clarke wasn't to be feared.

"I know." Is all Lexa says and glances to Clarke briefly before returning her gaze back to Indra.

"The girl is a threat to us all, she shouldn't be here commander." Lexa stands causing Indra to straighten and quiet.

"Clarke is not a threat to us, she stays here. You'd be wise to remember your place and what Clarke has helped us to achieve, what you gained at her loss." Lexa is glad when she sees Indra bow her head in subordination and apology. "My apologies Heda." Lexa contemplates her next words carefully.

"I respect your concern Indra but I have no doubt that Clarke is not a threat to us." To my heart I do not know, Lexa adds silently in her head. Indra scoffs which angers Lexa greatly, had she not just warned Indra of her place…

"Respectfully Heda, word is already spreading to the other clans, they say she single handily killed 300 mountain men with the 300 of our own and even her own men that she has killed; I fear the other clans may feel threatened by her." Indra looks Lexa straight in the eye; she needed to voice her concerns as the commander's clear infatuation with the girl was clouding her judgment. The retreat at the mountain was evidence of that as well. "It should be the trikru that is feared for all we have done, not some girl who fell from the sky and lights fire."

"Pleni! Ai laik heda yu ai gona. The clans know we are not weak, do you forget how I united the 12 clans?" Indra shakes her head that small amount of fear returns to her eyes, her stance is strong though. "No heda."

"Worry not Indra, if the clans do fear Clarke surely we're safer with her here as our ally are we not?" Indra says nothing but nods her head courteously. "Ste gon Indra, you have said enough. Make it so I am not interrupted again or it will be I who draws blood next." Lexa watches as Indra exits the tent and hears her call out demands to some men. Lexa releases a breath, she hoped Indra wasn't going to be a problem; she'd hate to have to cut down one of her best soldiers, but if it came to it Lexa had no problem reaffirming her place as commander, she didn't win the battle of the 12 clans for naught.

"Mmm." Groaning comes from behind her; she turns to see Clarke tossing her head side to side, her hand cupping the back of her head. "Ow, fuck." Clarke curses under her breath, Lexa can't hide the smirk that arises at the curse word, but worry soon covers her features as she sees Clarke is in pain. Lexa grabs a damp rag and is by Clarke's side clutching the rag to her head, cradling Clarke's head in her arm.

Clarke's eyes begin to flutter, she strains at the light, her hand covers Lexa's on the back of her head and it takes more control to ignore the little voice in her head that is screaming at her now to give in and turn her hand grasping Clarke's into her own, but she doesn't, she stays strong. Clarke's eyes soon open and land on Lexa's.

"Who are you? Where am I?" Clarke mumbles looking round. Lexa's eyes widen her mouth falling open; she can't hide the emotions this has awoken in her, her eyes filling with unshed tears.

"Clarke?" Lexa whispers.

"Yeah, how do you know my name?" Lexa drops Clarke's hand and stands distancing herself from Clarke; she turns around in shock mumbling, "Disha souda nou ste ridiyo." This cannot be true; Lexa runs anxious hands through her hair, a remorseful look appears across Clarke's face.

"I'm sorry." Clarke whispers. Lexa doesn't turn but braces herself against the table in the room she breaths deeply.

"Lexa?" At this Lexa straightens she turns to Clarke who looks as though she could vomit. "I was joking." Lexa doesn't move her face and body rigid, Clarke gulps then continues. "I'd seen it in an old movie once…I was trying to lighten the mood; I guess I'm not very good at that."

Clarke continues to look at Lexa whose eyes never leave hers; their eyes are locked on each other's a thousand emotions swirling between them. They fail to break contact until suddenly Clarke is staring at the back of Lexa's head as she retreats from the tent, no words spoken between them.

"Crap." Clarke sighs. She had never seen Lexa like that, so out of control of her emotions, she'd realised her joke wasn't the best when she'd seen Lexa running hands through her hair; an action she'd used herself when at a complete loss of what to do. Now Clarke repeated the action, what was she to do; Lexa had left abruptly, what did that mean, surely nothing good?

Clarke looked around the tent and saw no weapons or exits except the one Lexa left through; did she really want to chance her luck walking through the grounder camp unarmed or wait till Lexa came back? Both options held equal risk, Clarke was in a catch 22. Clarke's health however decided for her, as when she tried to stand she felt light headed again, she placed a hand to her forehead, "What the hell?" Clarke felt the paste that Niko had applied and looked at it in puzzlement before relenting and lying down on the cot bed. Whatever fate Lexa chose for her when she returned, if she ever did she would accept it and move on from there.


	5. Chapter 5

"Ste yu kwel." Lexa mutters angrily to herself while she storms out the tent, some men staring. "Gon we o wan op!" _Leave or die._ Lexa yells and the men scatter like raindrops, all in different directions and all away from Lexa.

"Heda?" Indra stands before Lexa a sword in her hands; she holds it out for Lexa. "Yu get daun. Nou." Indra wasn't one to use words to ease a person's troubles, so she passes the sword over to Lexa who takes it on a sigh. Indra walks away into a clearing; Lexa grips the sword and follows after. Casting one last worrisome glance to the tent behind her, a mask soon appears over the commander's face as she attaches the sword to her back and stalks ahead.

"She clouds your head." Indra yells her sword raised high as Lexa appears into the clearing. Lexa doesn't like what Indra says for it is the truth and the truth is painful.

Lexa struggles to find the words to explain, to tell her general what this was. A sword coming towards her brings her from her thoughts; Lexa quickly brings her sword up and defends herself from the attack.

"Chon yu bilaik?!" Indra yells as she lunges forward again, Lexa pushes back with a bit more force while yelling who are you? Lexa replies with a growl.

"Chon yu bilaik?!" Indra repeats while attacking once more. Lexa defends with ease and turns swiftly getting behind Indra, and in one fluid motion swipes Indra's feet from her and has her sword at Indra's throat. "Ai laik Heda Lexsa! Ai getin kwelness, ai laik nou kwel!" I am commander Lexa! I know weakness, I am not weak!" Lexa pushes the sword further into Indra's neck drawing a little blood.

"Don't think because I allow your opinion on the battlefield that you get a say in all I do. I am the commander, you just a warrior that can easily be replaced. I say this only once. Don't test me, you more than anyone knows what I am capable off." At this Lexa withdraws her sword and walks away leaving a defeated Indra in her place.

Lexa enters the tent in a flurry, knocking nearby items to the floor, Clarke looks up at the noise and doesn't allow the slight fear she feels to show when she sees the look upon Lexa's face; now she understood how she commanded all those people, she saw what they did.

"You continue to challenge me Clarke." Lexa places the sword down on the small table, the small amount of blood not going unnoticed by Clarke.

"What do you want from me?" Clarke asks but with no response from Lexa, her back still facing her Clarke continues a little bit more pissed. "I let you hold me, I comforted you! It's more than you deserved after stabbing me in the back and now you can't even face me! I guess I should be used to staring at your back, from all the walking away you do." Clarke yells which causes Lexa to turn around an equally pissed look matching her face.

"I made a choice Clarke; I saved my people just like you did yours!" Lexa yells back just as fiercely.

"You made a deal! You chose the easy way out. I fought, I killed, I killed hundreds…!" Clarke stares Lexa in the eye no guilt is shown in either eye, for both understand the choice they made and they bear it well. "You say you care about me, then leave me and those I care about to die. You have your men watch me and bring me to you and you sit and watch over me, having your healer care for me. What the hell is it that you want from me Lexa?" Clarke looks up angry and with a hint of defeat, there were no more games now, no more hiding behind hidden touches; Clarke was speaking the truth.

"You." Lexa says simply and wholeheartedly Clarke stares at her in shock wanting to respond but she can't. "I shouldn't care, I have a whole army of people telling me not to, but I can't stop it. I tried…" The mountain, Lexa left Clarke behind, she chose to ignore her heart and protect her people.

"Hodnes laik kwelnes." Love is weakness. Clarke understands, Lexa had told her of Costia of the burden she carried when killing her people in tondc, victory comes on the back of sacrifice. Clarke understands that more now, but it doesn't mean she can jump right into being whatever Lexa wants her to be; Clarke doesn't answer to Lexa or to anyone…Was that a bad thing? It meant she was alone, that she knew, that she could endure because truthfully she was hardly managing her own feelings, she couldn't tolerate another's.

"Den taik ai gyon au" Then let me go. There were a few words Clarke had learnt in her time with the grounders let me go was one she learnt quickly to dispel would be attackers; she never thought she would be using it to escape her own heart.

"I don't know how." Lexa speaks in English, speaking honestly. "Do what you did before; walk away." Clarke adds bitterly. "I told you, it's not that easy Clarke." Clarke's name comes out on a rasp, a cry struggling to come out. This surprises Clarke but doesn't change her stance.

"It was before, and again a few moments ago, what's changed from then." Clarke retorts with a grunt.

"Very well." Lexa nods meekly, her eyes betraying her as they fill with unshed tears, she refuses to let them fall, she won't give Clarke that satisfaction. Lexa turns and once again leaves the tent, leaves Clarke behind. She knew it was too good to be true, for Clarke to fall into her arms after she had betrayed her…Her mind and heart had not changed though, she was still going to fight for Clarke and prove to her that her heart was true. For now though she would give her space.


	6. Chapter 6

"I need to get out of here. Get better already." Clarke berates herself in her head. She was in some dangerous territory here; her heart wasn't ready to feel more, wasn't ready for forgiveness, or to open herself up to love.

"Damn you Lexa, why did you have to have eyes that make my knees weak and a heart that beats in unison to mine, to a rhythm that feels utterly natural." Clarke curses before she closes her eyes to slumber, she was going to get as much rest as possible; as that would allow her body the chance to heal quicker. It would also help her to avoid speaking to Lexa; she knows it's petty but she can't comprehend Lexa's feelings and the betrayal, she may understand but it still hurts.

War isn't all we are, but how do we un-see the person that we became? How do we trust that the person before us is more?

Clarke battles many internal debates hoping to make some peace with what was happening; she can't, she is restless, sleeping for not even 10 minutes before she tosses the blankets off and sits up with a sigh. "So much for ignoring her." Clarke stands and starts to walk to the entrance of the tent on surprisingly steady feet.

"You should be resting." Niko blocks Clarke's path his hands folded as he stares her down, Clarke sighs again and retreats back to the bed and flops down grumpily. "Happy?" Clarke grumbles and she sees the corner of Niko's mouth twitch suppressing a smile.

"I came to check on you, you can clean your face now." Clarke touches her forehead and feels the paste and flushes; she'd forgotten that was there, she's glad that Niko stepped in the tent when he did, she didn't want all the grounders seeing her with green paste smeared across her face…Lexa did and it's only just sinking in that she was telling her that she wanted just her and she looked like this green mess…well damn.

Niko passes Clarke a damp rag and she quickly swipes at her face. "It eases pain." Niko gestures to Clarke's head explaining the paste but Clarke can tell he means more, the way his eyes glance back to the tent's entrance, she understands.

"Not all wounds heal as quick though." Clarke retorts; if he wanted this talk he better speak up, Clarke had enough of the grounders talking but not really saying what they clearly wanted to say.

"Me and my people are good at healing wounds we can see; we cover them in paste, in bandages and we heal, but when it comes to the heart… We're not very good." Niko tries to explain.

"Love is weakness." Clarke speaks the words she has heard countless times and Niko nods.

"It wasn't always, we…I had a wife, lots of us had somebody but after many wars…" Niko doesn't finish his thoughts but Clarke does. "If you don't have anyone worth losing there's no risk of getting hurt again."

"We still hurt Clarke." A voice answers in the distance; both Niko and Clarke turn to see Lexa standing in the entrance. Niko stands quickly offering a curt nod to Lexa as he passes her.

Lexa stands there a moment longer staring at Clarke and she at her.

"I thought you left?" It's the first thing that comes out of Clarke's mouth and it's not even something she had really wanted to say, but it had just slipped out. Clarke loathes herself for causing the small twitch she sees form in Lexa's jaw at the words she had just spoken.

"I did." Clarke thinks it's all the reply she will get but Lexa steps forward, "But I came back." Lexa takes a few more steps forward when Clarke doesn't yell or say anything she takes that as a welcoming sign. Lexa sits down calmly and crosses her legs; she methodically folds her hands in her lap and takes a steadying breath. There is still a little distance between them but the way Lexa sits makes it seem somewhat more intimate; she's not as intimidating and Clarke realizes that's what she wants, she doesn't want to be the commander, this is Lexa sitting before her and Clarke finally understands more.

"You were wrong Clarke, I told you it wasn't an easy choice to make." Lexa speaks slowly and honestly. "Lexa…" Clarke attempts to interrupt but Lexa raises a hand and she quietens; there's still the commander here after all. "I told you that night, I made that choice with my head and not my heart but..." Lexa pauses struggling to express the words and Clarke realizes this is maybe the hardest thing Lexa has ever done; being completely honest to not only another person but herself.

"When in battle I don't have the luxury of choosing my heart, my enemies will take it and use it against me and my people will suffer because of it."

"Costia." Clarke whispers, Lexa slowly nods. "85 men died that night, another 85 hated me for it; because I chose my heart…they lost theirs and in the end it didn't matter because I still lost her. I couldn't let my people suffer again because I'd allowed my heart to let another in." Lexa gulps taking in a sharp breath, she doesn't know if she was doing the right thing by her people now but it felt right to her. Clarke had a few moments to take in the words, it's like a flame igniting; her eyes ablaze with countless thoughts and emotions.

Lexa bites her bottom lip in anticipation which elicits a small groan from Clarke's lips. Lexa didn't need any words of confirmation, that sound and the look in Clarke's eyes were everything she needed now. With only one thought occupying her mind Lexa leans forward bridging the gap between them and for the first time in the longest time Lexa can only think with her heart.

"Wait." Clarke whispers just as Lexa's nose nudges her own and before Lexa can pull away with the hurt look that is already forming on her face no doubt, Clarke grips Lexa's shirt holding her in place; their breaths heavy, lips parted and wanting. A small growl emits from Lexa and Clarke can't help but smirk, it soon turns serious as she speaks her fear.

"I can't do this to only lose you. That choice is going to be hanging over us all the time…I can't have another 85 people bearing that pain because of me, because you chose me, I can't be that selfish." Clarke starts to lean back making the hard decision, making the choice a leader has to.

"I can." Lexa speaks determinedly. A hand reaches out stopping Clarke from retreating; fingers gripping hair roughly, bringing their faces closer, another pulls Clarke's body flush against a heaving chest of desire. Lexa soon crashes her lips against Clarke's in a much needed and heartfelt kiss. It takes but a second for Clarke to respond and when she does it's with equal passion. Maybe she can be selfish too.


	7. Chapter 7

After much time of their mouths becoming more acquainted it is with much struggle and panting that Lexa pulls back trying to steady her breathing. A small groan emits from Clarke and Lexa can't help but grin.

"We have plenty of time for more, you're still healing, you should rest." Lexa attempts to move away but Clarke grips onto her hand keeping her in place. "Stay." Clarke looks at Lexa and for a small moment is nervous before she remembers she's done this before, but not with Lexa and not with this amount of feeling but as Lexa said there is time for that and that time isn't now. Clarke scoots back further onto the small bed leaving a small space open for Lexa. Lexa shakes her head and Clarke is confused and slightly hurt before Lexa holds her hand out for Clarke to take. "Come." Clarke takes her hand and Lexa pulls her to stand. "My bed is much bigger." Lexa allows a smirk to show and Clarke shakes her head, her hair falling around her face hiding her own.

"But your people?" Clarke doesn't move but keeps her hand gripped in Lexa's where it feels at home.

"You are a great leader Clarke, just like I knew you would be; my people respect you, even more so after the mountain. Most already know where my heart lies, so do not fret, they still wish to die for me; they wouldn't dare question me about this, about you." Lexa gives a gentle tug on Clarke's hand, Clarke smiles and whispers "Okay." Clarke follows Lexa out the tent and keeps her head held high and her grip firm in Lexa's as they walk through the small village; Clarke casts the occasional look at Lexa and more often than not would find Lexa's face looking at her with a gentle smile.

Nobody dares say anything as they walk past, some offer smiles other grimaces but they soon retreat into their own tents not caring any further to do anything worse. Clarke is glad and as she feels Lexa's grip relax in hers she knows that she must have been more nervous than she let on. This was a massive step and a big declaration on Lexa's part, Clarke knew she had to repay that in some form so thought to her-self as how best she could do that.

Those thoughts didn't last long as they soon entered Lexa's tent and sure enough her bed was much larger than the one she was on, the one she had was barely big enough for one let alone two. This bed was large with soft furs; a black bear pelt covered the entire bed, it was rather enticing, a much better option than the one she had this was going to be much more comfortable and warm.

Clarke sighs as she falls onto the bed. She looks up in awe as she hears a soft chuckle, Lexa was laughing at her and she couldn't feel embarrassed because the sound was amazing and made her heart soar.

"I must say this is a much better option, I'm glad you said no." Clarke voices her thoughts and is rewarded with another chuckle from Lexa and she returns the laughter with a large grin of her own. Lexa is still standing which causes Clarke to be bold, "You not joining me?" The grin turning into a more seductive one that causes Lexa to stop laughing all together and stares longingly at Clarke, desire all to evident in her eyes.

Lexa doesn't let her eyes leave Clarke's as she slowly kicks of her boots letting them fall carelessly at the side of the bed. Lexa takes of the small jacket that she is wearing; this causes Clarke to bite her bottom lip, tension building within her. Lexa begrudgingly tears her eyes from Clarke's to glance at Clarke's boots that are still on. Lexa lifts her eyes to Clarke who leans back on her elbows a small nod granting Lexa the permission she sought.

Soft hands caress her legs as they slide down to her boot clad feet, slowly those fingers begin to untie the laces. Lexa soon places the boots neatly by the foot of the bed with more thought than she had shown to her own boots. She casts a look to Clarke who is looking at her with nothing but desire, Lexa doesn't think, she acts, allowing her knees to touch the bed she slowly leans forward bracing herself with her hands either side of Clarke. Both chests heave with longing as Lexa slowly leans forward to press their lips together but the moment never comes and Clarke feels a gust of cold air across her lips instead of Lexa's; Lexa who has rolled over to lie beside Clarke a grin on her face as she closes her eyes. Laughter and pride evident in her voice as she speaks, "Goodnight Clarke." Clarke stares at Lexa knowing she is awake and feeling smug, Clarke smirks to herself glad to see this side of Lexa but Lexa should know that she two can play dirty.

Clarke shuffles and turns on her side, leaning on one hand she stares down at Lexa. Clarke's glances at Lexa's lips and briefly wonders whether to disregard this plan all together and just crash her lips to Lexa's and be done with it. But no, she wasn't going to sleep with Lexa having thought she got one over her, no.

With that thought consuming her Clarke begins the torturous game; her hand that isn't holding her up slowly reaches towards Lexa's hand, as their fingers connect Lexa's hand twitches in surprise but soon relaxes and even turns her hand expecting Clarke's to take her own. Clarke grins pulling her hand away, that grin widens as she sees a frown form on Lexa's face and her eyes tighten but don't open.

Clarke's hand lies in the air for a moment, she watches Lexa's chest and sees the still slow and steady rise and fall. Not for long. Clarke says to herself feeling much more sure of herself than she ever has. Clarke lets her fingers find Lexa's and slowly caresses them before dragging her fingers up Lexa's arm, smirking as she feels the hair on them rise and goose bumps begin to form.

Clarke's hand rests at Lexa's shoulder and she grips it slightly as she begins to lean forward, her mouth inches from Lexa's lips, Lexa breaths slowly, not moving; Clarke's actions shocking her, she dares not move for fear of it stopping. She waits for the moment she regrettably didn't allow herself and Clarke to share before but again it does not come. Instead she feels soft lips press a kiss against her forehead and it is that action that causes the stillness to cease. Lexa's arms come to wrap around Clarke, pulling gently at the shoulders bringing her body closer. Lexa lifts her head and seeks out Clarke's lips. Lexa allows her eyes to open briefly as she needs to see Clarke's eyes once more.

Lexa sees eyes of blue and grey darkening with a desire she knows is mirrored within her eyes of green. Shallow breaths escape both sets of lips, this game not a game anymore as Clarke lets her forehead rest against Lexa's.

"Your people need not fear me or the past repeating. I am strong and I do not allow death to take me, I force it upon others who threaten me or those I care about." Clarke speaks and gently nudges her nose with Lexa's like Lexa had done with her before; the form of affection something they seem to like. "I care about you." Clarke whispers these words as she caresses Lexa's nose.

It is after those words that their lips finally meet and sleep is but a thought left to others, as they allow the night to fade away around them they allow their hearts to guide them. Morning will come and they will have to decide with their heads what happens next, but for now they are content to just be together allowing their hearts to beat in unison at last.


End file.
